This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
