Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
