I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize