im about as happy as oj after his trial
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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