Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
