so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You are a genius and a whore.
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