I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
