There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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