o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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