Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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