seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
