Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
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Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
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You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I am available for nakedness
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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