Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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