you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
