Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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