I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
