why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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