im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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