im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
