my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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