textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
