shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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