he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
