Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
