my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
