he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
