my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
