I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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