I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
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I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
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Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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