i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
