is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
