I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
