Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
