I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Your penis caused this!
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