We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize