The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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