i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
