just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
