I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
