I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
