At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
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And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
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I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
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