so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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