Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
