I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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