Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
