Your dad touched me again.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
