Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
