His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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