that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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