Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
