And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
