No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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