yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
