his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
