i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
