she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
