I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
