The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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