I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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